My life has been undergoing a metamorphosis ever since I decided to leave my religion. I have had to reevaluate what I think and believe. I have had to strip away what someone else taught me and discover for myself, what I believe is right and wrong.

Learning about the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ of sexuality has been especially challenging for me. I have spent countless hours reading books, listening to podcasts and talking with others, trying to gain a better understanding of sexuality (Esther Perel is my favorite author on the subject). I have learned over and over again, that human sexuality is not bad, dirty, or embarrassing. Sexuality is an essential part of all of us. It is the very reason that every one of us exists. It is an important element of our physical, mental and emotional health.

Growing up, I didn’t know very much about sex. Most of what I learned about sexuality, I learned in fifth grade, or at church. When we discussed sex at church, it was frequently taught with fear and shame. Here are some of the things that my religion taught me:

Fear and sex…

1. Don’t wear immodest clothing- It all starts with modest dressing, women are responsible for how men think and act … “women, please understand that if you dress immodestly, you are magnifying this problem by becoming pornography to some of the men who see you.” -Oaks
2. Don’t break the rules- There are a lot rules about sexually. Make sure you know all of the rules (I got this list of rules my freshman year of college).
3. Don’t trust men- Women must define the rules of sexuality, because men are not capable of upholding moral standards (especially in the heat of passion).
4. Don’t lose your purity- women’s bodies are sacred, pure and clean- until/unless touched and defiled by a man. If you are sexually pure, you will be confident, able to make decisions and be truly happy.
5. Confess your sexual indiscretions- forgiveness for sexual acts can be granted, after confessing the details to male religious leaders (but you can never be pure again).
6. Don’t have any sex before marriage- sexuality is only for marriage and child birth, not for personal pleasure.
7. Don’t confuse lust for love- everything that feels good sexually, might lead to something terrible (unless you hurry up and get married).
8. Do not discuss sex before you get married- once married, sex will be good, righteous and holy (there is even a parent’s guide to teaching these principles).
9. Don’t trust your husband with the internet- he is probably looking at porn (which will most certainly lead to unhappiness and/or divorce).
10. Don’t trust your teenage sons- they are probably looking at porn and masturbating (thereby forfeiting their priesthood/Godly powers).

I was taught to fear sexuality, but I was also taught to feel guilt and shame for my sexuality.

Shame and sex

1. Masturbation is bad- resist the urge to touch yourself. Here is another parent’s guide for teaching kids, ages 11 to 18, about the evils of sex and masturbation.
2. All teenagers must confess any sexual behavior to their religious leader (a man).
3. All teenagers must have regular, private interviews with their religious leader- Where he will ask detailed questions about sexual activity.
4. If you break the rules, you must go through a prescribed ‘repentance’- It might include public shaming (no partaking of the sacrament, no prayers in meetings or participation in Sunday classes).
5. Any sexual act (before marriage) is unholy.
6. Do not trust yourself- trust your religious leaders to help you monitor sexually purity.
7. It is shameful to dress or act sexual (especially for beautiful women with large breasts).
8. Sexual thoughts can (and must be) controlled, because they are evil.
9. Pornography is “an avalanche of evil“… that will destroy spirituality and relationships with loved ones.
10. Evil homosexual desires can all be mastered/overcome, with devotion to God and the holy ghost/spirit.
11. Do not discuss marital sex- it is ‘sacred’ (you will naturally know how to have great sex when you get married).
12. In marriage, the person with the higher sex drive is labeled as selfish and carnal.
13. Sexual urges towards women/men (who are not your spouse), are a sin.
14. If your wife/spouse is not pleasing you sexually, it is because you are too sexual.

I could go on and on. Many of these teaching can be found in this one lesson. These are the things that I was taught about sexuality. These are the things that I taught to my kids and to the kids at church. These are the things that I believed, for most of my life.

I don’t believe these things any more.

I am not ashamed of my sexuality. I don’t want my kids to be ashamed of their sexuality. I am not afraid to talk about sex. I reject these rules and negative beliefs.

Sexuality is beautiful. Alone, or with another consenting adult, sexuality can be really fun and highly educational. Sex can give life to another person, bring joy, relieve stress, bond a couple and even help us understand ourselves.